Alright, as some of you may know, I've been having some problems lately. One of those problems is that I don't see myself succeeding in college anymore, especially since the workload is overwhelming me. True, I'm only taking two classes, but right now the workload for those classes is so great, that I'm having second thoughts about furthering my education.
Everytime I try to pick up on of my textbooks and try to read the assigned chapters, I start to get overwhelmed. First it's the text being too small and cramped together, and then it's the fact that I haven't any idea what most of these words are, and then it gets to the part where I don't remember what I just read because I don't understand it and it doesn't interest me. I've been unable to read the past two chapters of my Anthropology book because of this, and I was only able to read the first ten or fifteen pages of the current chapter of my English book for similar reasons.
On top of that, right now I have a paper due in the next week that I haven't even started, as well as several other assignments due on Monday that I can't do or haven't started for various reasons. I also have a total sixteen more papers to do this semester, and one of them is a research project that was overcomplicated by the teacher when she purposely left stuff out when assigning it, only to add more details later.
Right now, the workload is too much for me to handle, especially with having to go to classes four days a week at 8 AM, which is also overwhelming. The classes are crowded, they're noisy, and they're either too hot or too bright. Those last two I can't tolerate because I'm extremely photosensitive and heat sensitive - excess warmth makes me physically ill, especially if I don't drink at least 128 oz of water a day, since I also sweat a lot and get dehydrated easily.
I'm unable to do my assignments basically. The last time I tried, which was earlier today, the stress was completely overwhelming. I decided to try to find something to eat after that, and I kept on having thoughts about murdering this one guy, slitting him from ass to throat, and raping his eye sockets in gruesome vivid detail, just because I don't like him and I was stressed. It gets to the point where I can't cope and this overwhelms me even more. Every time I get overwhelmed, my thoughts get violent and horrifying, and I lose control of them. Because of this, I get scared, and then I get depressed.
Right now I'm not sure how to phrase all of this in a way that would be more intelligible; what I do know is that I can't take this anymore, and I'm going to have to drop out if this doesn't get fixed somehow. Which, by the way, it won't unless somehow my teachers actually make an exception for me, which they can't by law outside of what is already made as an exception. I have sent an email to the teacher I have that will communicate with me on this, but my other teacher is completely apathetic, so it's hopeless in that case.
I don't know what I should do except try to hold out until I've earned 60% of my financial aid and then drop out, never returning to college under any circumstance, or at least doing what my friend David said and holding out until I really can't take anymore in regards to going to the college. I'm just really hoping I don't end up in the PHF again like the last time I went to college. The PHF, by the way, is a place here in town where they keep people who are going through psychosis or who happen to be 51/50. I was going through both of those same things three years ago during my previous attempt at college.
Essentially, the same things happened before - I got overwhelmed with my classes, stopped doing homework, and I dropped out of one or more of my classes, if not all of them. It got to be at the point where I was trying to teleport myself to a magical fairy land, thinking I was hearing telepathic communications of a girl who didn't pertain to me saying that her husband was trying to kill her, stalking said girl, throwing rocks at my family, and even assaulting my mother. Twice.
I don't want anything like that to happen again, but I'm afraid that with the path that I'm going on right now, I might not have any choice but to repeat these things again. I just want to drop out, but if I drop out now, I'm going to owe almost a thousand dollars back to the college, which I cannot pay off right now. However, if I can just hold out a little while longer, at least four more weeks, then I won't have to pay anything back and I'll have some extra money to boot.
The thing is, would torturing myself like this be worth having the money for a laptop that I otherwise could not get right now? Technically I'd be able to focus on moving out of this sleazehole of a sober living environment if I dropped out now, and then when I got to a place I could afford, I could then start paying the college back. I don't know what I should do.
I mean, my friend David gave me the advice to put up with college until I couldn't anymore, and right now is when I don't think I can handle it anymore. Anyhow, I'd apprectiate some feedback, doesn't have to be anything special. I just really needed to say this. I think I'm going to call my mom now.
Tuesday 26 October 2010
Monday 25 October 2010
The Terrible Maintenance Of This Apartment
I have bedbugs. Well, not just bedbugs, but cockroaches, poisonous spiders, and ants too. My landlord has not called the exterminator and hasn't paid said exterminator in about almost half a year now.
I'm not planning on moving just because of this, since I can put up with these pest problems on my own, though my roommate can't.
Basically, I've had bedbugs for about seven months now, ever since my former neighbor died of a heart attack, and his bedbugs came through the wall and over to my apartment. Lemme tell you, these suckers are bigger than you'd expect. Most of the ones I find are about the size of a large tick. I've had to spend extra money on extra detergent just so I can wash my clothes, sheets, and blankets on a much more frequent basis, and some more money on rubbing alcohol, since that stuff will slow their progress if not kill them.
Well, guess what happened at 2 AM Saturday Morning? My roommate found bedbugs in his bed, and he's pissed. Not at me fortunately, why would he be?
Bit of background on my roommate: he's 56, works for my landlord on a volunteer basis as a handyman, and he currently pays for my 54 Mbps broadband connection. Oh, and he's the only friend I have offline, other than his girlfriend.
Bit of background on my landlord: he runs clean and sober houses, all of which are in poor maintenance, and he's cheap, forgetful, and is currently dealing with a lawsuit in regards to the former maintenance guy that he was paying not being paid and then wrongfully fired. The only place he runs that's not in poor condition is a mental health resource center, and that's only because that's his main project.
Anyhow, my roommate said he was going to have a very long talk with my landlord on Monday, and that "he was not going to like a lot of the things he had to say". And I have this terrible feeling due to some sort of understanding about what happened to the previous person who argued with my landlord that was working for him, that my roommate is going to get kicked out.
And if he does get kicked out, my landlord is going to put someone else into the apartment for me to have as a roommate, since technically, I have no say in who becomes my roommate at all since I'm just renting one room. And there's going to be problems if it's someone like my first roommate.
Bit of background on my first roommate: he was a mentally ill, semi-illiterate drug addict who was smoking crack while in this apartment and luckily got arrested sometime last year.
I don't know, maybe I' being overly paranoid, but my landlord happens to be a dick, and a slumlord. Moving is not an option for me, but I hope that I'm wrong and that my roommate doesn't get kicked out tomorrow after getting on my landlord's ass about the bug problems.
By the way, I can't call the Health Department, because I'll get kicked out of my apartment by my landlord if I do that. And I can't hire my own exterminator because the lease says that my landlord has to hire all the maintenance people, including exterminators.
I'm not planning on moving just because of this, since I can put up with these pest problems on my own, though my roommate can't.
Basically, I've had bedbugs for about seven months now, ever since my former neighbor died of a heart attack, and his bedbugs came through the wall and over to my apartment. Lemme tell you, these suckers are bigger than you'd expect. Most of the ones I find are about the size of a large tick. I've had to spend extra money on extra detergent just so I can wash my clothes, sheets, and blankets on a much more frequent basis, and some more money on rubbing alcohol, since that stuff will slow their progress if not kill them.
Well, guess what happened at 2 AM Saturday Morning? My roommate found bedbugs in his bed, and he's pissed. Not at me fortunately, why would he be?
Bit of background on my roommate: he's 56, works for my landlord on a volunteer basis as a handyman, and he currently pays for my 54 Mbps broadband connection. Oh, and he's the only friend I have offline, other than his girlfriend.
Bit of background on my landlord: he runs clean and sober houses, all of which are in poor maintenance, and he's cheap, forgetful, and is currently dealing with a lawsuit in regards to the former maintenance guy that he was paying not being paid and then wrongfully fired. The only place he runs that's not in poor condition is a mental health resource center, and that's only because that's his main project.
Anyhow, my roommate said he was going to have a very long talk with my landlord on Monday, and that "he was not going to like a lot of the things he had to say". And I have this terrible feeling due to some sort of understanding about what happened to the previous person who argued with my landlord that was working for him, that my roommate is going to get kicked out.
And if he does get kicked out, my landlord is going to put someone else into the apartment for me to have as a roommate, since technically, I have no say in who becomes my roommate at all since I'm just renting one room. And there's going to be problems if it's someone like my first roommate.
Bit of background on my first roommate: he was a mentally ill, semi-illiterate drug addict who was smoking crack while in this apartment and luckily got arrested sometime last year.
I don't know, maybe I' being overly paranoid, but my landlord happens to be a dick, and a slumlord. Moving is not an option for me, but I hope that I'm wrong and that my roommate doesn't get kicked out tomorrow after getting on my landlord's ass about the bug problems.
By the way, I can't call the Health Department, because I'll get kicked out of my apartment by my landlord if I do that. And I can't hire my own exterminator because the lease says that my landlord has to hire all the maintenance people, including exterminators.
I Need to Get This Out...
Alright first of all, I've been living in a sober living environment (SLE) for the past three months now due to circumstances back in July that caused the apartments I was living in to close down due to foreclosure. This SLE is also ran by the same landlord I had over where I used to live that happens to be a slumlord whose only cares are money and making sure the "outreach" program he runs stays afloat. I was originally going to live with a couple of my friends, but then the housing manager of this place decided to coerce me into living here.
At first, it was alright. I was living in the upstairs unit with four other guys and a woman, and for the most part we got along great. The exception was with my roommate, who is an ex-Navy with schizophrenia and a tendency to become exceedingly delusional and preach Christianity to me, claiming that he's allowed to because of free speech. I'm Pagan by the way, and I'm somewhat resentful to Christians for the many years of emotional and mental abuse I've received from the Church, so obviously there was a problem from the get-go.
It's because of this and not any actual evidence that when a single room opened up on the mens side downstairs, that the housing manager forced me to move down into the filthy and depressing arrangements that is units B and C. I was actually happy upstairs, and despite my complaints with my roommate and the network I am paying for not working or taking 15 minutes just to load a web page halfway, I was content.
Now that I'm downstairs though, let's just say the stress from having to deal with seven other roommates who are either filthy, disrespectful, or whom happen to be thieves, has caused my stress levels to rise exponentially. Because of that, my own mental illness, especially my Bipolar, has been exacerbated, and this past week for three days, I contemplated suicide as a way out.
This ordeal peaked when I had a breakdown at home and one of the social workers here called the Crisis Line, only for me to find out that they aren't helpful to people with suicidal thoughts at all, or at least not in my case. The next day, I had a breakdown in my English class and was excused from it after such incident. During this time, the only place where I really felt comfortable was in the cafeteria at the college, talking to my fellow nerds about things like Dungeons and Dragons, monster girls, or their mispronunciation of anything Japanese.
On top of that, in order to take my first test in Anthropology this past Wednesday, I had to use all of my willpower just to suppress a major breakdown, since this is now my least favorite subject due to the teacher demystifying my own beliefs and making me remember the time my faith was violated by the harsh criticism of my mother's church back around 2005-2007. And, I cannot even have my answering machine out in order to get messages, because a miserable old fart happens to think he's the alpha male and unplugs the answering machine, just because no one else around here knows how to check their messages.
So, I can't even get a hold of my mother, because I can't afford a phone card every month just so I can talk to her, seeing as now my rent has been raised to $575 a month, which also prevents me from getting a cell phone so I can keep in touch with loved ones and get messages for my appointments. Why do I even need a cell phone to begin with? I can't make long distance phone calls without either having a cell phone or a phone card, and my mother lives out of the local area.
The stress has prevented me from even being able to focus on necessary things, like homework or cleaning my room. By the end of the day, I just don't feel like doing anything except playing games, watching anime, or sleeping. It doesn't help that I haven't been eating well, since I can't afford to get enough groceries, nor do I have enough space for them, seeing as I have to share a refrigerator and a freezer with everyone else, and I get perhaps a 2'x1'x10" space in the fridge, and a 6"x1'x1' space in the freezer, and those are being violated by people putting the donations for those who don't bother with getting their own food in my space.
Plus, there are thieves, or rather, people who are just too incoherent to realize that when a label has my name on it, you don't fucking touch it.
I've also been really sick for most of my time in these apartments, and right now I'm pretty sure I have strep throat or a severe cold. The common area is filthy, as no one bothers to clean up after themselves except me, and I refuse to clean up after another person, because I am not a maid. Because of this, my immune system is shot, and I'm getting sick at least twice a month.
Right about now, my only solace is either spending time on my computer, playing games or watching anime, since I have access to an unprotected network from the complex next door that even allows me to play MMOs and download large files rather quickly, save for the occasional ping spike. Other than that, I'm really only happy when I'm at the college, talking to my friends.
Luckily my counselor has referred me to a group called SEARCH, which helps the disabled, mentally ill, and homeless find affordable housing. Guess what? Everyone in SEARCH acknowledges that my landlord is the worst kind of person, because he charges too much rent for too poor of an apartment. So chances are I'll be moving again within the next six months, perhaps by the end of the year at the earliest. Until then, I have to deal with my own mental illness being exacerbated, my physical health deteriorating, and my sanity leaving me.
On a final note, my counselor actually commended me on how I'm handling the situation so far. She said that I'm doing fairly well despite how things are going, that I'm handling this situation pretty well. I have to agree, since I'm able to reach out when I need help, and I'm able to at least tolerate these problems, regardless of how I've ranted or raved.
Also, I just really needed to say this, I'm not asking for help or condolences or sympathy. However, if you feel it's necessary, then fine. I'm just going to try to get some rest for the rest of the day, even though it's pretty early still (I wake up at around 3:00 AM PST every morning). I've got this situation under control for the most part; I just needed to use this public space to rant. That's all.
Anyhow, I hope this weekend is pretty good. I've got some homework I'm going to attempt, and I've got Recettear working on my computer despite it not meeting the specifications, and I just started watching Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei. I'm at least going to be content this weekend, I hope.
At first, it was alright. I was living in the upstairs unit with four other guys and a woman, and for the most part we got along great. The exception was with my roommate, who is an ex-Navy with schizophrenia and a tendency to become exceedingly delusional and preach Christianity to me, claiming that he's allowed to because of free speech. I'm Pagan by the way, and I'm somewhat resentful to Christians for the many years of emotional and mental abuse I've received from the Church, so obviously there was a problem from the get-go.
It's because of this and not any actual evidence that when a single room opened up on the mens side downstairs, that the housing manager forced me to move down into the filthy and depressing arrangements that is units B and C. I was actually happy upstairs, and despite my complaints with my roommate and the network I am paying for not working or taking 15 minutes just to load a web page halfway, I was content.
Now that I'm downstairs though, let's just say the stress from having to deal with seven other roommates who are either filthy, disrespectful, or whom happen to be thieves, has caused my stress levels to rise exponentially. Because of that, my own mental illness, especially my Bipolar, has been exacerbated, and this past week for three days, I contemplated suicide as a way out.
This ordeal peaked when I had a breakdown at home and one of the social workers here called the Crisis Line, only for me to find out that they aren't helpful to people with suicidal thoughts at all, or at least not in my case. The next day, I had a breakdown in my English class and was excused from it after such incident. During this time, the only place where I really felt comfortable was in the cafeteria at the college, talking to my fellow nerds about things like Dungeons and Dragons, monster girls, or their mispronunciation of anything Japanese.
On top of that, in order to take my first test in Anthropology this past Wednesday, I had to use all of my willpower just to suppress a major breakdown, since this is now my least favorite subject due to the teacher demystifying my own beliefs and making me remember the time my faith was violated by the harsh criticism of my mother's church back around 2005-2007. And, I cannot even have my answering machine out in order to get messages, because a miserable old fart happens to think he's the alpha male and unplugs the answering machine, just because no one else around here knows how to check their messages.
So, I can't even get a hold of my mother, because I can't afford a phone card every month just so I can talk to her, seeing as now my rent has been raised to $575 a month, which also prevents me from getting a cell phone so I can keep in touch with loved ones and get messages for my appointments. Why do I even need a cell phone to begin with? I can't make long distance phone calls without either having a cell phone or a phone card, and my mother lives out of the local area.
The stress has prevented me from even being able to focus on necessary things, like homework or cleaning my room. By the end of the day, I just don't feel like doing anything except playing games, watching anime, or sleeping. It doesn't help that I haven't been eating well, since I can't afford to get enough groceries, nor do I have enough space for them, seeing as I have to share a refrigerator and a freezer with everyone else, and I get perhaps a 2'x1'x10" space in the fridge, and a 6"x1'x1' space in the freezer, and those are being violated by people putting the donations for those who don't bother with getting their own food in my space.
Plus, there are thieves, or rather, people who are just too incoherent to realize that when a label has my name on it, you don't fucking touch it.
I've also been really sick for most of my time in these apartments, and right now I'm pretty sure I have strep throat or a severe cold. The common area is filthy, as no one bothers to clean up after themselves except me, and I refuse to clean up after another person, because I am not a maid. Because of this, my immune system is shot, and I'm getting sick at least twice a month.
Right about now, my only solace is either spending time on my computer, playing games or watching anime, since I have access to an unprotected network from the complex next door that even allows me to play MMOs and download large files rather quickly, save for the occasional ping spike. Other than that, I'm really only happy when I'm at the college, talking to my friends.
Luckily my counselor has referred me to a group called SEARCH, which helps the disabled, mentally ill, and homeless find affordable housing. Guess what? Everyone in SEARCH acknowledges that my landlord is the worst kind of person, because he charges too much rent for too poor of an apartment. So chances are I'll be moving again within the next six months, perhaps by the end of the year at the earliest. Until then, I have to deal with my own mental illness being exacerbated, my physical health deteriorating, and my sanity leaving me.
On a final note, my counselor actually commended me on how I'm handling the situation so far. She said that I'm doing fairly well despite how things are going, that I'm handling this situation pretty well. I have to agree, since I'm able to reach out when I need help, and I'm able to at least tolerate these problems, regardless of how I've ranted or raved.
Also, I just really needed to say this, I'm not asking for help or condolences or sympathy. However, if you feel it's necessary, then fine. I'm just going to try to get some rest for the rest of the day, even though it's pretty early still (I wake up at around 3:00 AM PST every morning). I've got this situation under control for the most part; I just needed to use this public space to rant. That's all.
Anyhow, I hope this weekend is pretty good. I've got some homework I'm going to attempt, and I've got Recettear working on my computer despite it not meeting the specifications, and I just started watching Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei. I'm at least going to be content this weekend, I hope.
The Ticket to Wonderland
Okay, first of all, I have something nice and personal that I wanted to turn into my English teacher for some extra credit, and I wanted to let you guys see it too, since she's going to see it tomorrow. It was basically an expressive piece with some creative aspects on how when I take my Ambien, my third person complexes, my 'girls' if you could call them that, come to life, because they are a dream. They are my wonderland.
Right here is the direct quote from the entire assignment. I just wanted to share this, it's really just something I think reflects how I honestly feel about my 'girls' and how my Ambien really does act as a ticket to the wonderland, to where I feel happy, whole, and secure, just ready to go to bed.
Quote
9.6.10
Christopher Fowler
ENGL 219
The Ticket to Wonderland
The ticket to wonderland is a little blue drop, etched inside is an A and a t. I take this to sleep, to dream, to enter within my wonderland so that the nightmare that is my waking mind may be ignored for the time being. That being said, my wonderland is just for me, a place hidden within my very soul, that not even God knows.
My wonderland is where my sister and my three wives live. Though, they're really just me, but different you see. Juni is my little sister, who adores me more and more each time I return, who does sweet things for me like making jam buns, and cuddling up while we watch television. However, my three wives, Emily, Midori, and Rienze, are but named such, given a title because of how much their existence means to me.
Juni of course, is my best friend, my doting lolita sister whom I'm fantasized about, there being just a world for the two of us. It did exist many times before, a game, where tea for two was all we could do. With the advent of this network of darkened stairs I live within, I feel that this game can't begin yet again.
Emily's pleasures of the flesh, food and human equally, are what bring me to her. We find comfort in each others sin, lovers hand in hand in this sadistic Wonderland. She holds my hand, sets my mind ablaze, and ignites me into a passionate blaze of decadent wines and sweet meats of our mind. Engaging in this hedonism is nevertheless done very little, as the shame that comes from it is too much to bare. While she may bear it now and then, I feel that I cannot bring myself to bare it.
So we lie on the very out-steps of her mind and mine, talking, whispering, plotting, and we enrapture ourselves in a new kind of mood. Tangled as our very web, we learn what really matters, as she bids me off to my other wives, hiding the fact that her son is me, and I am her son.
Midori, off at the shooting range, finding her targets to be none the easy, but still so tight. I catch her eye, and lose the safety I had before. Arousing suspicions and rousing manifestations of our love, hate, who're you gonna kill relationship. Hunters hunting the hunted, I find her, she screams.
We play this game with no intention of firing the last bullet on either part, and as tense as we are at the end, I embrace my transsexual, dyed green-haired doll, loving her so sweetly, tasting my preys meat very gingerly, to savor her salacious taste.
Sin is in, as I win, and we embrace once more before I'm out the door, to another dance in the wonderland. My chocolate bride with lemony lock, a screen or two between us. I relay my orders for her to assassinate the high priest of our great enemy crab, the scum known as Cesedria. For Yelsord and maybe Gevrandia are what I'm fighting for.
Rienze strikes in for the kill, and is caught not, as she is a mistress of the shadow, a lemony snippet being all that they find. The high priest, strewn across the battle field, entrails sliced out, heart torn from between his breast, with all that was not defiled being his pristine smile. They wonder who did this, but all I know, is within the wonderland there is no one but me.
Just me, and my three wives, and my little sister, that's all there ever needs to be. The rest of you here in my wonderland, you are but the pawns and fools to my little games, the cookies to eat with my tea. We have you, and they have me, that is how it needs to be. For within my little wonderland, from where I'm dropped off by the candies of the Sandman, I am king.
I guess you could say this is the synopsis of a waking dream I had while listening to my complexes tell me what to write. We felt we should write something personal, expressive, and creative, and this is it. We're glad we get to share this with you guys. It really makes us good to be able to get together in ways like what he's expressing.
We're glad to be here too, of course.
Peace.
Basically, I posted this because it's something that I felt was personal, something that I felt was beautiful, and it expresses how I feel right now - that I want to escape into my Wonderland just so I can be with my girls. And yet, my girls are my third person complex, so they are here everyday. Still, wouldn't it be nice to have some sort of a Wonderland, where you could worry free and express yourself?
I think that's what I'm trying to convey, but I'm not sure if I did it right. I just put it up here because I felt I'd like to share something about myself, instead of what I was originally going to do and complain about my roommate.
Why? Because sometimes, the positive is better for the soul than the negative, because of how the positivity in your life will make you happy, and attract more positivity, and the negativity will bring you down, and attract more negativity. Or something like that. I just felt I should share something positive that I wrote, because I am in a good mood, and am feeling like I should go into this Wonderland right soon.
Edit: I was under the impression I could turn it in for extra credit. Unfortunately, for my English class, the extra credit is going to three workshops at the college and providing evidence that I was there. I could have turned this into a main assignment, but I think that perhaps maybe I should write something else. Besides, said main assignments, the 12 journals, are due at the end of the semester, so I have plenty of time to write them.
Right here is the direct quote from the entire assignment. I just wanted to share this, it's really just something I think reflects how I honestly feel about my 'girls' and how my Ambien really does act as a ticket to the wonderland, to where I feel happy, whole, and secure, just ready to go to bed.
Quote
9.6.10
Christopher Fowler
ENGL 219
The Ticket to Wonderland
The ticket to wonderland is a little blue drop, etched inside is an A and a t. I take this to sleep, to dream, to enter within my wonderland so that the nightmare that is my waking mind may be ignored for the time being. That being said, my wonderland is just for me, a place hidden within my very soul, that not even God knows.
My wonderland is where my sister and my three wives live. Though, they're really just me, but different you see. Juni is my little sister, who adores me more and more each time I return, who does sweet things for me like making jam buns, and cuddling up while we watch television. However, my three wives, Emily, Midori, and Rienze, are but named such, given a title because of how much their existence means to me.
Juni of course, is my best friend, my doting lolita sister whom I'm fantasized about, there being just a world for the two of us. It did exist many times before, a game, where tea for two was all we could do. With the advent of this network of darkened stairs I live within, I feel that this game can't begin yet again.
Emily's pleasures of the flesh, food and human equally, are what bring me to her. We find comfort in each others sin, lovers hand in hand in this sadistic Wonderland. She holds my hand, sets my mind ablaze, and ignites me into a passionate blaze of decadent wines and sweet meats of our mind. Engaging in this hedonism is nevertheless done very little, as the shame that comes from it is too much to bare. While she may bear it now and then, I feel that I cannot bring myself to bare it.
So we lie on the very out-steps of her mind and mine, talking, whispering, plotting, and we enrapture ourselves in a new kind of mood. Tangled as our very web, we learn what really matters, as she bids me off to my other wives, hiding the fact that her son is me, and I am her son.
Midori, off at the shooting range, finding her targets to be none the easy, but still so tight. I catch her eye, and lose the safety I had before. Arousing suspicions and rousing manifestations of our love, hate, who're you gonna kill relationship. Hunters hunting the hunted, I find her, she screams.
We play this game with no intention of firing the last bullet on either part, and as tense as we are at the end, I embrace my transsexual, dyed green-haired doll, loving her so sweetly, tasting my preys meat very gingerly, to savor her salacious taste.
Sin is in, as I win, and we embrace once more before I'm out the door, to another dance in the wonderland. My chocolate bride with lemony lock, a screen or two between us. I relay my orders for her to assassinate the high priest of our great enemy crab, the scum known as Cesedria. For Yelsord and maybe Gevrandia are what I'm fighting for.
Rienze strikes in for the kill, and is caught not, as she is a mistress of the shadow, a lemony snippet being all that they find. The high priest, strewn across the battle field, entrails sliced out, heart torn from between his breast, with all that was not defiled being his pristine smile. They wonder who did this, but all I know, is within the wonderland there is no one but me.
Just me, and my three wives, and my little sister, that's all there ever needs to be. The rest of you here in my wonderland, you are but the pawns and fools to my little games, the cookies to eat with my tea. We have you, and they have me, that is how it needs to be. For within my little wonderland, from where I'm dropped off by the candies of the Sandman, I am king.
I guess you could say this is the synopsis of a waking dream I had while listening to my complexes tell me what to write. We felt we should write something personal, expressive, and creative, and this is it. We're glad we get to share this with you guys. It really makes us good to be able to get together in ways like what he's expressing.
We're glad to be here too, of course.
Peace.
Basically, I posted this because it's something that I felt was personal, something that I felt was beautiful, and it expresses how I feel right now - that I want to escape into my Wonderland just so I can be with my girls. And yet, my girls are my third person complex, so they are here everyday. Still, wouldn't it be nice to have some sort of a Wonderland, where you could worry free and express yourself?
I think that's what I'm trying to convey, but I'm not sure if I did it right. I just put it up here because I felt I'd like to share something about myself, instead of what I was originally going to do and complain about my roommate.
Why? Because sometimes, the positive is better for the soul than the negative, because of how the positivity in your life will make you happy, and attract more positivity, and the negativity will bring you down, and attract more negativity. Or something like that. I just felt I should share something positive that I wrote, because I am in a good mood, and am feeling like I should go into this Wonderland right soon.
Edit: I was under the impression I could turn it in for extra credit. Unfortunately, for my English class, the extra credit is going to three workshops at the college and providing evidence that I was there. I could have turned this into a main assignment, but I think that perhaps maybe I should write something else. Besides, said main assignments, the 12 journals, are due at the end of the semester, so I have plenty of time to write them.
My Introduction
Hi, call me Christoph. I'm currently also known by several other names, most not fit to be mentioned here. This post for right now is just filler anyways, so why get into too much detail?
I'll just state that chances are, regardless of who views this blog, this will be about my likes, my interests, and my life as an internet nerd and plural.
Yup, you heard right, Christoph here isn't the only at this computer. You'll get to meet the others soon enough. Note though, I know many tricks in the great book of trolling, so I know what to expect from you newfags and such who think it's cool to be a dick to everyone.
...
Moving right along, next subject will most likely be on either A.) Mabinogi, or B.) A rant on why I somehow am now allergic to sunlight (hur hur hur exaggeration), or C.) none of the above and just some random shit, perhaps catgirl pictures...
*drools* catgirls...
...
My interests are anime, visual novels, Dwarf Fortress, RPGs, Doujin Soft, Sim games (especially love sims), the supernatural, music, and cooking. As of 2009, I'm learning how to work with Ren'Py, which you will find a post specifically for that, and hope to churn out my first game by the end of the year (but will be okay if it takes longer :3).
Favorite games include Dwarf Fortress, Katawa Shoujo, Gadget Trial, and hopefully someday, Maid: The Roleplaying Game, just to name a few. You can find me on the following forums by the following names.
Lemma Soft Forums as Deinarious
Veritas Society as Cowen.
Bay12 Games as Dei
DoujinStyle as Cowen.
My favorite anime are Bleach, Code Geass R2, Witch Hunter Robin, and the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, just to name a few. Anime I'd like to see are K-On!, Ef - A Tale of Memories, Chobits, and Claymore, again, just to name a few.
Favorite foods are mild Japanese curry, Pocky, and grilled cheese, just to name a few. I also enjoy plain rice, medium rare hamburgers, and berliners (the doughnut, not the people). Finally, some of my favorite musicians are Evanescence, Yousei Teikoku, The Barenaked Ladies, Cradle of Filth, Aya Hirano, and Rammstein, just to name a few. I'll listen to everything but country and gospel.
First off I'm male as you may have guessed by the name. I am also American. And to top that off, I'm a no-longer-practicing Neo-pagan who has ADHD, Tourrettes (Which is more like twitches, grunts and squeaks than "FUCK SHIT BITCH".), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Schizoeffective, and Depression. Note that I didn't say Schizophrenia. The effective part says that It's only partial.
And like many of you, I jerk off. Mainly because I have never dated or had a girl friend or even been laid. My main fetishes are anthropomorphs, uniforms, glasses, vampires, and the paranormal. One thing I'm searching for is Witch Hunter Robin doujinshi...
Other than my perversions, my interests include reading, roleplaying games, animals other than dogs (those fuckers scare me...),the occult and paranormal, video games, anime, some American cartoons, like South Park, Family Guy, and apparently Sonic Underground, flash videos (Foamy and that small series called Attack of the Evil TV being favorites), computers, music (favorite bands include the Barenaked Ladies, Metallica and Cradle of Filth.), animation as an art, and hopefully someday soon, getting laid.
Like that will happen while I still live at home with my prudish Christian mother who cannot move her neck and therefore gets Disability, and my dickhead Buddhist brother who doesn't talk to me because I used to call him a demon due to his violent temper. There's also a small cat and a hamster with benign tumors that we cannot afford to remove. And no father thankfully...he was a drunk. A very mean drunk. Hopefully my legal troubles finish smoothly and I get SSI before years end... Then I can move out and go back to college.
Yes, college. I was on my third semester, worse yet, this past Spring. Lets just say I went insane, thought my friends who used witchcraft were trying to bind me (a term meaning "to render one harmless via a spell", I thought I saw a friend's husbands death in a vision at my hands, tried to teleport myself to her place but ended up getting escorted by the cops from a ghetto in one town to my house in another, and unintentionally threated the husband of the friend with psionic attack, and got escorted off the premises by more cops. I ended up in a mental hospital for 14 days and almost out of a home. Luckily, my mother had to take me back, but since then, I have a curtain instead of a easily kick-inable door with no lock. Now I am on a two or three semester medical leave from college and I have only one friend...the friend's homosexual
brother who happens to have immense power as a male witch and possibly a psion (psychic witch.) After all was said and done, I lost any power I had by being bound by the deities I worshipped...a thing only they can reverse, and that probably won't be for a long time...not even in this life perhaps...As for the legal trouble, I threw a bar of liquid deodorant at my mother...That's Assault apparently. No more on that subject. I was blind with rage on New Years Eve... and yes, I have posted this story elsewhere. Why waste time on another?
Signed, Deinarious.
I'll just state that chances are, regardless of who views this blog, this will be about my likes, my interests, and my life as an internet nerd and plural.
Yup, you heard right, Christoph here isn't the only at this computer. You'll get to meet the others soon enough. Note though, I know many tricks in the great book of trolling, so I know what to expect from you newfags and such who think it's cool to be a dick to everyone.
...
Moving right along, next subject will most likely be on either A.) Mabinogi, or B.) A rant on why I somehow am now allergic to sunlight (hur hur hur exaggeration), or C.) none of the above and just some random shit, perhaps catgirl pictures...
*drools* catgirls...
...
My interests are anime, visual novels, Dwarf Fortress, RPGs, Doujin Soft, Sim games (especially love sims), the supernatural, music, and cooking. As of 2009, I'm learning how to work with Ren'Py, which you will find a post specifically for that, and hope to churn out my first game by the end of the year (but will be okay if it takes longer :3).
Favorite games include Dwarf Fortress, Katawa Shoujo, Gadget Trial, and hopefully someday, Maid: The Roleplaying Game, just to name a few. You can find me on the following forums by the following names.
Lemma Soft Forums as Deinarious
Veritas Society as Cowen.
Bay12 Games as Dei
DoujinStyle as Cowen.
My favorite anime are Bleach, Code Geass R2, Witch Hunter Robin, and the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, just to name a few. Anime I'd like to see are K-On!, Ef - A Tale of Memories, Chobits, and Claymore, again, just to name a few.
Favorite foods are mild Japanese curry, Pocky, and grilled cheese, just to name a few. I also enjoy plain rice, medium rare hamburgers, and berliners (the doughnut, not the people). Finally, some of my favorite musicians are Evanescence, Yousei Teikoku, The Barenaked Ladies, Cradle of Filth, Aya Hirano, and Rammstein, just to name a few. I'll listen to everything but country and gospel.
First off I'm male as you may have guessed by the name. I am also American. And to top that off, I'm a no-longer-practicing Neo-pagan who has ADHD, Tourrettes (Which is more like twitches, grunts and squeaks than "FUCK SHIT BITCH".), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Schizoeffective, and Depression. Note that I didn't say Schizophrenia. The effective part says that It's only partial.
And like many of you, I jerk off. Mainly because I have never dated or had a girl friend or even been laid. My main fetishes are anthropomorphs, uniforms, glasses, vampires, and the paranormal. One thing I'm searching for is Witch Hunter Robin doujinshi...
Other than my perversions, my interests include reading, roleplaying games, animals other than dogs (those fuckers scare me...),the occult and paranormal, video games, anime, some American cartoons, like South Park, Family Guy, and apparently Sonic Underground, flash videos (Foamy and that small series called Attack of the Evil TV being favorites), computers, music (favorite bands include the Barenaked Ladies, Metallica and Cradle of Filth.), animation as an art, and hopefully someday soon, getting laid.
Like that will happen while I still live at home with my prudish Christian mother who cannot move her neck and therefore gets Disability, and my dickhead Buddhist brother who doesn't talk to me because I used to call him a demon due to his violent temper. There's also a small cat and a hamster with benign tumors that we cannot afford to remove. And no father thankfully...he was a drunk. A very mean drunk. Hopefully my legal troubles finish smoothly and I get SSI before years end... Then I can move out and go back to college.
Yes, college. I was on my third semester, worse yet, this past Spring. Lets just say I went insane, thought my friends who used witchcraft were trying to bind me (a term meaning "to render one harmless via a spell", I thought I saw a friend's husbands death in a vision at my hands, tried to teleport myself to her place but ended up getting escorted by the cops from a ghetto in one town to my house in another, and unintentionally threated the husband of the friend with psionic attack, and got escorted off the premises by more cops. I ended up in a mental hospital for 14 days and almost out of a home. Luckily, my mother had to take me back, but since then, I have a curtain instead of a easily kick-inable door with no lock. Now I am on a two or three semester medical leave from college and I have only one friend...the friend's homosexual
brother who happens to have immense power as a male witch and possibly a psion (psychic witch.) After all was said and done, I lost any power I had by being bound by the deities I worshipped...a thing only they can reverse, and that probably won't be for a long time...not even in this life perhaps...As for the legal trouble, I threw a bar of liquid deodorant at my mother...That's Assault apparently. No more on that subject. I was blind with rage on New Years Eve... and yes, I have posted this story elsewhere. Why waste time on another?
Signed, Deinarious.
Filler - Snack Fight
Honestly, I'm hypoglycemic. I have a low blood sugar because honestly, there's little food I enjoy and I eat very little, despite my girth (~271 LBs). So, at random, I'll pick two of my favorite snacks and have them duke it out to see which is more of a favorite :3
Up first is "cup of bacon", which consists of shredded and cooked bacon that if you're lucky, you can find in a discount store near you (In Butte County, Dollar Tree stores sell this ready-made and cheap - $1). Next, you need a small cup. I reuse pudding cups so, well, that does the trick. Pour the bacon bits into there and then, munch on them. Good amount of protein, though the sodium is a bit of a killer.
The other is "raisin and peanut blend", consisting of an ounce of peanuts and an ounce of raisins. A delectable flavor, savory and sweet simultaneously, with a hint of salt. Where I live, both are easily available (the entire ingredients cost $2 at the local Dollar Tree), and it's pretty nutritious too. Could probably make it tastier by adding things like chocolate chips, peanut butter candies, or even carob.
Mm, intiate brawl sequence...
Inserting binary...
100011000110111010101010110110101101101010101111010101011011001100110010101
Pasting in random demotivator...
And the winner is "raisin and peanut blend"! Why? Because bibbity bobbity bacon is about as cool as Milhouse.
Hello, World.
This is Dei's blog. Everything from his failures and triumphs(?) will be made public. Laugh, laugh and cry with him. One day he could turn into a great oni and devour us all.
Why do I talk in third person? You will find out soon enough.
Viva lá Deinarious!
Why do I talk in third person? You will find out soon enough.
Viva lá Deinarious!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)