Alright first of all, I've been living in a sober living environment (SLE) for the past three months now due to circumstances back in July that caused the apartments I was living in to close down due to foreclosure. This SLE is also ran by the same landlord I had over where I used to live that happens to be a slumlord whose only cares are money and making sure the "outreach" program he runs stays afloat. I was originally going to live with a couple of my friends, but then the housing manager of this place decided to coerce me into living here.
At first, it was alright. I was living in the upstairs unit with four other guys and a woman, and for the most part we got along great. The exception was with my roommate, who is an ex-Navy with schizophrenia and a tendency to become exceedingly delusional and preach Christianity to me, claiming that he's allowed to because of free speech. I'm Pagan by the way, and I'm somewhat resentful to Christians for the many years of emotional and mental abuse I've received from the Church, so obviously there was a problem from the get-go.
It's because of this and not any actual evidence that when a single room opened up on the mens side downstairs, that the housing manager forced me to move down into the filthy and depressing arrangements that is units B and C. I was actually happy upstairs, and despite my complaints with my roommate and the network I am paying for not working or taking 15 minutes just to load a web page halfway, I was content.
Now that I'm downstairs though, let's just say the stress from having to deal with seven other roommates who are either filthy, disrespectful, or whom happen to be thieves, has caused my stress levels to rise exponentially. Because of that, my own mental illness, especially my Bipolar, has been exacerbated, and this past week for three days, I contemplated suicide as a way out.
This ordeal peaked when I had a breakdown at home and one of the social workers here called the Crisis Line, only for me to find out that they aren't helpful to people with suicidal thoughts at all, or at least not in my case. The next day, I had a breakdown in my English class and was excused from it after such incident. During this time, the only place where I really felt comfortable was in the cafeteria at the college, talking to my fellow nerds about things like Dungeons and Dragons, monster girls, or their mispronunciation of anything Japanese.
On top of that, in order to take my first test in Anthropology this past Wednesday, I had to use all of my willpower just to suppress a major breakdown, since this is now my least favorite subject due to the teacher demystifying my own beliefs and making me remember the time my faith was violated by the harsh criticism of my mother's church back around 2005-2007. And, I cannot even have my answering machine out in order to get messages, because a miserable old fart happens to think he's the alpha male and unplugs the answering machine, just because no one else around here knows how to check their messages.
So, I can't even get a hold of my mother, because I can't afford a phone card every month just so I can talk to her, seeing as now my rent has been raised to $575 a month, which also prevents me from getting a cell phone so I can keep in touch with loved ones and get messages for my appointments. Why do I even need a cell phone to begin with? I can't make long distance phone calls without either having a cell phone or a phone card, and my mother lives out of the local area.
The stress has prevented me from even being able to focus on necessary things, like homework or cleaning my room. By the end of the day, I just don't feel like doing anything except playing games, watching anime, or sleeping. It doesn't help that I haven't been eating well, since I can't afford to get enough groceries, nor do I have enough space for them, seeing as I have to share a refrigerator and a freezer with everyone else, and I get perhaps a 2'x1'x10" space in the fridge, and a 6"x1'x1' space in the freezer, and those are being violated by people putting the donations for those who don't bother with getting their own food in my space.
Plus, there are thieves, or rather, people who are just too incoherent to realize that when a label has my name on it, you don't fucking touch it.
I've also been really sick for most of my time in these apartments, and right now I'm pretty sure I have strep throat or a severe cold. The common area is filthy, as no one bothers to clean up after themselves except me, and I refuse to clean up after another person, because I am not a maid. Because of this, my immune system is shot, and I'm getting sick at least twice a month.
Right about now, my only solace is either spending time on my computer, playing games or watching anime, since I have access to an unprotected network from the complex next door that even allows me to play MMOs and download large files rather quickly, save for the occasional ping spike. Other than that, I'm really only happy when I'm at the college, talking to my friends.
Luckily my counselor has referred me to a group called SEARCH, which helps the disabled, mentally ill, and homeless find affordable housing. Guess what? Everyone in SEARCH acknowledges that my landlord is the worst kind of person, because he charges too much rent for too poor of an apartment. So chances are I'll be moving again within the next six months, perhaps by the end of the year at the earliest. Until then, I have to deal with my own mental illness being exacerbated, my physical health deteriorating, and my sanity leaving me.
On a final note, my counselor actually commended me on how I'm handling the situation so far. She said that I'm doing fairly well despite how things are going, that I'm handling this situation pretty well. I have to agree, since I'm able to reach out when I need help, and I'm able to at least tolerate these problems, regardless of how I've ranted or raved.
Also, I just really needed to say this, I'm not asking for help or condolences or sympathy. However, if you feel it's necessary, then fine. I'm just going to try to get some rest for the rest of the day, even though it's pretty early still (I wake up at around 3:00 AM PST every morning). I've got this situation under control for the most part; I just needed to use this public space to rant. That's all.
Anyhow, I hope this weekend is pretty good. I've got some homework I'm going to attempt, and I've got Recettear working on my computer despite it not meeting the specifications, and I just started watching Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei. I'm at least going to be content this weekend, I hope.
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