I can't do this...

Alright, as some of you may know, I've been having some problems lately. One of those problems is that I don't see myself succeeding in college anymore, especially since the workload is overwhelming me. True, I'm only taking two classes, but right now the workload for those classes is so great, that I'm having second thoughts about furthering my education.

Everytime I try to pick up on of my textbooks and try to read the assigned chapters, I start to get overwhelmed. First it's the text being too small and cramped together, and then it's the fact that I haven't any idea what most of these words are, and then it gets to the part where I don't remember what I just read because I don't understand it and it doesn't interest me. I've been unable to read the past two chapters of my Anthropology book because of this, and I was only able to read the first ten or fifteen pages of the current chapter of my English book for similar reasons.

On top of that, right now I have a paper due in the next week that I haven't even started, as well as several other assignments due on Monday that I can't do or haven't started for various reasons. I also have a total sixteen more papers to do this semester, and one of them is a research project that was overcomplicated by the teacher when she purposely left stuff out when assigning it, only to add more details later.

Right now, the workload is too much for me to handle, especially with having to go to classes four days a week at 8 AM, which is also overwhelming. The classes are crowded, they're noisy, and they're either too hot or too bright. Those last two I can't tolerate because I'm extremely photosensitive and heat sensitive - excess warmth makes me physically ill, especially if I don't drink at least 128 oz of water a day, since I also sweat a lot and get dehydrated easily.

I'm unable to do my assignments basically. The last time I tried, which was earlier today, the stress was completely overwhelming. I decided to try to find something to eat after that, and I kept on having thoughts about murdering this one guy, slitting him from ass to throat, and raping his eye sockets in gruesome vivid detail, just because I don't like him and I was stressed. It gets to the point where I can't cope and this overwhelms me even more. Every time I get overwhelmed, my thoughts get violent and horrifying, and I lose control of them. Because of this, I get scared, and then I get depressed.

Right now I'm not sure how to phrase all of this in a way that would be more intelligible; what I do know is that I can't take this anymore, and I'm going to have to drop out if this doesn't get fixed somehow. Which, by the way, it won't unless somehow my teachers actually make an exception for me, which they can't by law outside of what is already made as an exception. I have sent an email to the teacher I have that will communicate with me on this, but my other teacher is completely apathetic, so it's hopeless in that case.

I don't know what I should do except try to hold out until I've earned 60% of my financial aid and then drop out, never returning to college under any circumstance, or at least doing what my friend David said and holding out until I really can't take anymore in regards to going to the college. I'm just really hoping I don't end up in the PHF again like the last time I went to college. The PHF, by the way, is a place here in town where they keep people who are going through psychosis or who happen to be 51/50. I was going through both of those same things three years ago during my previous attempt at college.

Essentially, the same things happened before - I got overwhelmed with my classes, stopped doing homework, and I dropped out of one or more of my classes, if not all of them. It got to be at the point where I was trying to teleport myself to a magical fairy land, thinking I was hearing telepathic communications of a girl who didn't pertain to me saying that her husband was trying to kill her, stalking said girl, throwing rocks at my family, and even assaulting my mother. Twice.

I don't want anything like that to happen again, but I'm afraid that with the path that I'm going on right now, I might not have any choice but to repeat these things again. I just want to drop out, but if I drop out now, I'm going to owe almost a thousand dollars back to the college, which I cannot pay off right now. However, if I can just hold out a little while longer, at least four more weeks, then I won't have to pay anything back and I'll have some extra money to boot.

The thing is, would torturing myself like this be worth having the money for a laptop that I otherwise could not get right now? Technically I'd be able to focus on moving out of this sleazehole of a sober living environment if I dropped out now, and then when I got to a place I could afford, I could then start paying the college back. I don't know what I should do.

I mean, my friend David gave me the advice to put up with college until I couldn't anymore, and right now is when I don't think I can handle it anymore. Anyhow, I'd apprectiate some feedback, doesn't have to be anything special. I just really needed to say this. I think I'm going to call my mom now.